Posts
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Irony at the Airport
The 3 oz. limit on liquids carried onto airplanes seems to affect women far more than men, which is ironic, considering that it was a response to terrorism, and the majority of terrorists are men.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Elderly People Say the Darndest Things
One day, I was standing and talking with two other friends at a hospital. I happened to be holding a bottle of water, and as I was in the middle of an amusing anecdote, this elderly man walks up to our group. He looks straight into my eyes, takes my water bottle, and says (referring to the bottle), "100% pure alcohol". I thought it was pretty awesome that he said that. What was even better was, if he had said that to me on most other days at that hospital, he'd have been right! Needless to say, my friends and I all had a good laugh. That's why I tell people that you don't need alcohol to have fun at your job– whether you be a janitor or a pediatric surgeon (like me).
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Dissecting the English Language: Part 1
The word “minatory” means threatening or menacing. It also looks a lot like the word “minority”. Well played, forefathers of the English language.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Exception to the Rule
In order to perfect a craft, one can usually pick the brain of someone who's been successful in that area. Example: asking a famous musician how to write a song.
This rule does not apply, however, to suicide.
This rule does not apply, however, to suicide.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Failed Reality TV Shows
Diabetic Island- 12 Diabetics. 1 needle of insulin. Who will survive on Diabetic Island?
Dane Cook or Death? - 5 contestants are forced to choose: Listen to Dane Cook's stand-up or commit suicide?
Kindergarten COPS - For one week, New York City's 52nd precinct and Mrs. Stevenson's kindergarten class swap places. Can Sargent Ramirez win at duck, duck, goose? Can little Tommy Fischer go undercover to bust a meth lab?
Wild and Crazy Homeless People- From the creators of Wild and Crazy Kids comes Wild and Crazy Homeless People. 2 teams of homeless meth addicts from the streets of L.A. are pitted against each other in an array of wacky challenges! Whichever team loses the least amount of teeth wins!
Wild and Crazy Kids- Gone Wild! - The female contestants from the old Nickelodeon show Wild and Crazy Kids are all grown up, and ready to go wild!!
"Wife Swap": Prison Edition - Each week, two inmates swap their boy-toys and find out a little about problem-solving, communication, and life (but mostly it's just prison raping).
Dane Cook or Death? - 5 contestants are forced to choose: Listen to Dane Cook's stand-up or commit suicide?
Kindergarten COPS - For one week, New York City's 52nd precinct and Mrs. Stevenson's kindergarten class swap places. Can Sargent Ramirez win at duck, duck, goose? Can little Tommy Fischer go undercover to bust a meth lab?
Wild and Crazy Homeless People- From the creators of Wild and Crazy Kids comes Wild and Crazy Homeless People. 2 teams of homeless meth addicts from the streets of L.A. are pitted against each other in an array of wacky challenges! Whichever team loses the least amount of teeth wins!
Wild and Crazy Kids- Gone Wild! - The female contestants from the old Nickelodeon show Wild and Crazy Kids are all grown up, and ready to go wild!!
"Wife Swap": Prison Edition - Each week, two inmates swap their boy-toys and find out a little about problem-solving, communication, and life (but mostly it's just prison raping).
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Morning Commute II
To the Korean-ish family who I used to see driving behind me nearly every day on my way to work:
What happened? We shared the same commute time for months, the same path to our separate destinations, and now nothing? I feel abandoned, much like the semi-popped popcorn kernel that a person tries to chew, but realizes that it's pretty much all kernel, and so when no one else is looking, they spit it out back into the popcorn bag.
I miss contemplating how long it must have taken for the Mrs. to style her awesome 80's mullet. I miss watching her husband mouth the words to an array of Michael Bolton classics. Most of all, I miss peering into my rear-view mirror and observing the look on their child's Korean face as he no doubt began to realize two things: 1) His parents must really care for his safety, seeing as how he's in a car seat and he's probably old enough to do calculus (which, since he's Korean, means he's about 8 years old) and 2) Michael Bolton is one of the greatest singer/songwriters of all time.
I suppose our morning journeys couldn't be intertwined forever. It had to come to an end eventually. Still, I can't help but wonder what's become of you guys.
Sincerely,
The guy who was always driving in front of you during the morning commute
P.S.
Thanks for not rear-ending me! I had heard Korean are bad drivers, and so I was a little worried. You guys bucked that trend. Kudos!
What happened? We shared the same commute time for months, the same path to our separate destinations, and now nothing? I feel abandoned, much like the semi-popped popcorn kernel that a person tries to chew, but realizes that it's pretty much all kernel, and so when no one else is looking, they spit it out back into the popcorn bag.
I miss contemplating how long it must have taken for the Mrs. to style her awesome 80's mullet. I miss watching her husband mouth the words to an array of Michael Bolton classics. Most of all, I miss peering into my rear-view mirror and observing the look on their child's Korean face as he no doubt began to realize two things: 1) His parents must really care for his safety, seeing as how he's in a car seat and he's probably old enough to do calculus (which, since he's Korean, means he's about 8 years old) and 2) Michael Bolton is one of the greatest singer/songwriters of all time.
I suppose our morning journeys couldn't be intertwined forever. It had to come to an end eventually. Still, I can't help but wonder what's become of you guys.
Sincerely,
The guy who was always driving in front of you during the morning commute
P.S.
Thanks for not rear-ending me! I had heard Korean are bad drivers, and so I was a little worried. You guys bucked that trend. Kudos!
Monday, October 20, 2008
He's Somebody Important
You sir, are quite impressive. Definitely an alpha male. From the moment I first met you, I knew you were a person with authority. Maybe it was your stern, determined look that tipped me off. Maybe it was your all-business demeanor. Or, perhaps it was the name tag that you wore that identified you as the Assistant Manager of the local sub shop.
I can tell that you are an individual with great skill, as well. Your mastery of mixing tuna with mayonnaise is unparalleled; your aptitude for combining ham and swiss unmatched. Remember that old saying, everything I need to know I learned in kindergarden? Well it's never been more true than in your case because you make sandwiches for a living. All day. Sandwiches.
It's not just all work and no play with you, though. You are a man that knows how to party. Question: Does asking women if they want to touch your freshly-baked bread loaf work as a pick-up line? Answer: Yes, yes it does. Then, once you reel them in with your fancy talk, you impress them with boasts of how you could totally beat that dude up or tales of drunken, homo-erotic adventures involving you and your band-mates. Wait, what? Band-mates, they ask? That's right, you're also in a band. You shred on lead guitar, stealing the hearts of all twelve people that you've played in front of. To say that you just play music would be selling you short, though. You feel the music. It's an experience so visceral and ethereal that it cannot be expressed by mere words. Perhaps that is the reason why your band still does not have a name. No matter; you've got plenty of time until you release your band's first EP in the summer of 2011.
Yes, you are quite impressive, sir. You've got the intensity of De Niro with a skill set that would amaze Jared from Subway. Next time I have a hankering for a turkey and cheddar on wheat, I know just the guy for the job. Some people would say, hey, anybody can make a sandwich. To them, I simply reply, "Not people without hands."
I can tell that you are an individual with great skill, as well. Your mastery of mixing tuna with mayonnaise is unparalleled; your aptitude for combining ham and swiss unmatched. Remember that old saying, everything I need to know I learned in kindergarden? Well it's never been more true than in your case because you make sandwiches for a living. All day. Sandwiches.
It's not just all work and no play with you, though. You are a man that knows how to party. Question: Does asking women if they want to touch your freshly-baked bread loaf work as a pick-up line? Answer: Yes, yes it does. Then, once you reel them in with your fancy talk, you impress them with boasts of how you could totally beat that dude up or tales of drunken, homo-erotic adventures involving you and your band-mates. Wait, what? Band-mates, they ask? That's right, you're also in a band. You shred on lead guitar, stealing the hearts of all twelve people that you've played in front of. To say that you just play music would be selling you short, though. You feel the music. It's an experience so visceral and ethereal that it cannot be expressed by mere words. Perhaps that is the reason why your band still does not have a name. No matter; you've got plenty of time until you release your band's first EP in the summer of 2011.
Yes, you are quite impressive, sir. You've got the intensity of De Niro with a skill set that would amaze Jared from Subway. Next time I have a hankering for a turkey and cheddar on wheat, I know just the guy for the job. Some people would say, hey, anybody can make a sandwich. To them, I simply reply, "Not people without hands."
Friday, August 22, 2008
The Real "Cheers"
Sometimes, you want to go to a bar where everybody knows your name...
but you can't remember having ever been there before.
but you can't remember having ever been there before.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Lice Checking
What is the single most relaxing and sensual experience that a person could possibly have? It's not being fed chocolate dipped strawberries or having your feet massaged (and it's also not the much less fun variant of that: being fed chocolate dipped feet and having to massage a pack of strawberries [it was a high school summer job; don't ask]). No, it's something far better: getting your head checked for lice.
Allow me to whisk you away to my childhood, grades K-5. For me, no greater joy existed than the magical experience of having my head checked for lice. It was a rare occurrence, but one that I took full advantage of. I enjoyed it so much that sometimes after getting my head checked, I'd sneak into other classrooms and get my head checked for lice again! It was like that movie Wedding Crashers, except with more popsicle sticks. I even purposely flunked 5th grade repeatedly in order to continue to feed my lice checking addiction.
Why did I enjoy it so much? Allow me to describe the experience to you. Imagine your head laying in your arms on your desk, the cool air in the classroom surrounds you. Your body and mind descend into a state of complete relaxation. A slight fart releases. It's okay, no one heard it. Then, you hear the lice checkers (usually mothers who've volunteered) making their way through the classroom. They're getting closer. A slight shiver goes down your spine. Am I next?, you think to yourself. Finally, you feel the gentle touch of popsicle sticks on your scalp. Slowly and carefully, the sticks caress your scalp. Billions of synapses are firing off in your brain, and they all arrive at the same conclusion: this is divine.
There was one lice checker who rose above the rest, almost as if this was her true calling. Ms. Snyder, you know who I'm talking about. She was a lice checking artist, much in the same way someone who works at Subway is a sandwich artist (although I'd imagine if put to the task, Ms. Snyder wouldn't have put cheese on my sandwich when I specifically asked for NO CHEESE). I often wondered is there was a Mr. Snyder in the picture, but I never did work up the courage to ask. I sometimes think of what life would've been like being married to her. Me: head down on a desk. Her: checking my head for lice. Then lots of sex. Then, more lice checking. Alas, it was not meant to be.
In conclusion, lice checking is by far the most sensual experience that one could possibly have. I strongly urge all of you to sneak into your local elementary school on a lice-checking day and experience the wonderment. You won't be disappointed.
Allow me to whisk you away to my childhood, grades K-5. For me, no greater joy existed than the magical experience of having my head checked for lice. It was a rare occurrence, but one that I took full advantage of. I enjoyed it so much that sometimes after getting my head checked, I'd sneak into other classrooms and get my head checked for lice again! It was like that movie Wedding Crashers, except with more popsicle sticks. I even purposely flunked 5th grade repeatedly in order to continue to feed my lice checking addiction.
Why did I enjoy it so much? Allow me to describe the experience to you. Imagine your head laying in your arms on your desk, the cool air in the classroom surrounds you. Your body and mind descend into a state of complete relaxation. A slight fart releases. It's okay, no one heard it. Then, you hear the lice checkers (usually mothers who've volunteered) making their way through the classroom. They're getting closer. A slight shiver goes down your spine. Am I next?, you think to yourself. Finally, you feel the gentle touch of popsicle sticks on your scalp. Slowly and carefully, the sticks caress your scalp. Billions of synapses are firing off in your brain, and they all arrive at the same conclusion: this is divine.
There was one lice checker who rose above the rest, almost as if this was her true calling. Ms. Snyder, you know who I'm talking about. She was a lice checking artist, much in the same way someone who works at Subway is a sandwich artist (although I'd imagine if put to the task, Ms. Snyder wouldn't have put cheese on my sandwich when I specifically asked for NO CHEESE). I often wondered is there was a Mr. Snyder in the picture, but I never did work up the courage to ask. I sometimes think of what life would've been like being married to her. Me: head down on a desk. Her: checking my head for lice. Then lots of sex. Then, more lice checking. Alas, it was not meant to be.
In conclusion, lice checking is by far the most sensual experience that one could possibly have. I strongly urge all of you to sneak into your local elementary school on a lice-checking day and experience the wonderment. You won't be disappointed.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Disappointing...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
To My New Pair of Jeans:
You smug, stonewashed, sorry excuse for a pair of jeans. You hung there on the clearance rack at my local Targét just begging to be bought. Such a cheap price, and in my size? I had to purchase you, but, alas, I did not have time to try you on. Now I wish that I had bought out the time to do so because you are not the pair of jeans that I thought I was getting involved with. Now I see that your cheap price was fitting because you are a cheap whore.
What is my issue with you? Two words: button fly. Now, I'm no historian, but I'd wager that the button fly is probably the most diabolical invention known to man (I rank the atom bomb as a close second since I've never personally been affected by an atom bomb, but I have been affected by the button fly). The button fly adds approximately 30 seconds to each bathroom trip. How did I get that statistic? Simple, I made it up, but it sounds pretty accurate. Multiply that by 30 (the number of times that I use the bathroom per day [I drink a lot of water]), and you arrive at the astounding total of 90 minutes (I think, but I'm not a calculator). 90 minutes stolen from my day by the button fly! That's enough time to watch 3 Men and a Baby (the greatest movie of all time because it's got a little bit of everything)! Nice job, button fly. You just stole from me the joy of Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck, and Ted Danson (RIP).
In many ways, dear disappointing denim, you are just like my first wife. You looked like a great bargain, but once I got you home, I saw another side of you. Coincidentally, your surprise (the button fly) is located in the same "area" that my first wife's "surprise" (read: wiener) was. Just like my first wife, though, I was ready to overlook your shortcomings, but then you crossed the line when you prevented me from watching 3 Men and a Baby.
What is my issue with you? Two words: button fly. Now, I'm no historian, but I'd wager that the button fly is probably the most diabolical invention known to man (I rank the atom bomb as a close second since I've never personally been affected by an atom bomb, but I have been affected by the button fly). The button fly adds approximately 30 seconds to each bathroom trip. How did I get that statistic? Simple, I made it up, but it sounds pretty accurate. Multiply that by 30 (the number of times that I use the bathroom per day [I drink a lot of water]), and you arrive at the astounding total of 90 minutes (I think, but I'm not a calculator). 90 minutes stolen from my day by the button fly! That's enough time to watch 3 Men and a Baby (the greatest movie of all time because it's got a little bit of everything)! Nice job, button fly. You just stole from me the joy of Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck, and Ted Danson (RIP).
In many ways, dear disappointing denim, you are just like my first wife. You looked like a great bargain, but once I got you home, I saw another side of you. Coincidentally, your surprise (the button fly) is located in the same "area" that my first wife's "surprise" (read: wiener) was. Just like my first wife, though, I was ready to overlook your shortcomings, but then you crossed the line when you prevented me from watching 3 Men and a Baby.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Taco Bell No Longer a Sponsor
Apparently Taco Bell didn't like my creative use of product placement in the Bernie Mac news story, and so they have withdrawn as a sponsor of Philosophies for the Modern Gentleman. Therefore, I present this amended news story of Bernie Mac's unfortunate demise...
Comedian Bernie Mac Dies
American actor and comedian Bernie Mac died Saturday in Chicago of complications from explosive diarrhea. He was 50 years old. Mac had sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease, but his publicist said the explosive diarrhea was not related to that disease. Doctors believe the explosive diarrhea was in fact cause by Taco Bell's new Fajita Steak Melt.
Bernie Mac played the ex-con blackjack dealer in the Ocean's Eleven film trilogy, which also starred George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Clooney said of Mac's passing, "The world just got a little less funny. I'm also surprised to hear that it was Taco Bell that ended up killing him. I would've thought Bernie as more of a KFC or Popeye's Chicken kind of guy." Mac received the prestigious Peabody Award for his television sitcom The Bernie Mac Show, which also garnered Globe Globe and Emmy nominations.
He first came to nationwide prominence in 2000 with his appearance in the film The Original Kings of Comedy, a documentary that brought a new generation of African-American comedians to a wider audience. Mac's film appearances included the disappointing 2003 film Charlie's Angels, last year's Transformers (which also sucked), and the comedic remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner entitled Guess Who (didn't see it).
Last year, Mac told late-night talk show host David Letterman that he planned to retire soon because he wanted to enjoy his life. Good job, Taco Bell. You just robbed Bernie Mac of plans to retire, and you robbed the world of a beloved comedic actor. He will be missed.
Comedian Bernie Mac Dies
American actor and comedian Bernie Mac died Saturday in Chicago of complications from explosive diarrhea. He was 50 years old. Mac had sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease, but his publicist said the explosive diarrhea was not related to that disease. Doctors believe the explosive diarrhea was in fact cause by Taco Bell's new Fajita Steak Melt.
Bernie Mac played the ex-con blackjack dealer in the Ocean's Eleven film trilogy, which also starred George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Clooney said of Mac's passing, "The world just got a little less funny. I'm also surprised to hear that it was Taco Bell that ended up killing him. I would've thought Bernie as more of a KFC or Popeye's Chicken kind of guy." Mac received the prestigious Peabody Award for his television sitcom The Bernie Mac Show, which also garnered Globe Globe and Emmy nominations.
He first came to nationwide prominence in 2000 with his appearance in the film The Original Kings of Comedy, a documentary that brought a new generation of African-American comedians to a wider audience. Mac's film appearances included the disappointing 2003 film Charlie's Angels, last year's Transformers (which also sucked), and the comedic remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner entitled Guess Who (didn't see it).
Last year, Mac told late-night talk show host David Letterman that he planned to retire soon because he wanted to enjoy his life. Good job, Taco Bell. You just robbed Bernie Mac of plans to retire, and you robbed the world of a beloved comedic actor. He will be missed.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Product Placement
I'm pleased to announce that Taco Bell is now a proud sponsor of Philosophies for the Modern Gentleman. Taco Bell- it's what all modern gentleman should eat! Now, the news...
Comedian Bernie Mac Dies
American actor and comedian Bernie Mac died Saturday in Chicago of complications from pneumonia. He was 50 years old. Mac had sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease, but his publicist said the pneumonia was not related to that disease.
Bernie Mac played the ex-con blackjack dealer in the Ocean's Eleven film trilogy, which also starred George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Clooney said of Mac's passing, "The world just got a little less funny. At least I've got Taco Bell's new Fajita Steak Melt to console me." Mac received the prestigious Peabody Award for his television sitcom The Bernie Mac Show, which also garnered Globe Globe and Emmy nominations.
He first came to nationwide prominence in 2000 with his appearance in the film The Original Kings of Comedy, a documentary that brought a new generation of African-American comedians to a wider audience. Mac's film appearances included the disappointing 2003 film Charlie's Angels, last year's Transformers (which also sucked), and the comedic remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner entitled Guess Who (didn't see it).
Last year, Mac told late-night talk show host David Letterman that he planned to retire soon because he wanted to enjoy his life, as well as enjoy one of Taco Bell's new Frutista Freeze drinks. He will be missed.
Comedian Bernie Mac Dies
American actor and comedian Bernie Mac died Saturday in Chicago of complications from pneumonia. He was 50 years old. Mac had sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease, but his publicist said the pneumonia was not related to that disease.
Bernie Mac played the ex-con blackjack dealer in the Ocean's Eleven film trilogy, which also starred George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Clooney said of Mac's passing, "The world just got a little less funny. At least I've got Taco Bell's new Fajita Steak Melt to console me." Mac received the prestigious Peabody Award for his television sitcom The Bernie Mac Show, which also garnered Globe Globe and Emmy nominations.
He first came to nationwide prominence in 2000 with his appearance in the film The Original Kings of Comedy, a documentary that brought a new generation of African-American comedians to a wider audience. Mac's film appearances included the disappointing 2003 film Charlie's Angels, last year's Transformers (which also sucked), and the comedic remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner entitled Guess Who (didn't see it).
Last year, Mac told late-night talk show host David Letterman that he planned to retire soon because he wanted to enjoy his life, as well as enjoy one of Taco Bell's new Frutista Freeze drinks. He will be missed.
Friday, August 8, 2008
The Next Big Thing In Fashion
This fall, I will launch my new line of short-sleeve dress shirts with french cuffs. How did I come up with this idea that will no doubt be the most important development in fashion since the piano key necktie? I'll tell you...
I've got a friend named Jerry C. who has an immaculate wardrobe. Thing is, Jerry C. is a dwarf. (NOTE: When dwarfs want to dress nice, they do not wear jester outfits or elven costumes, but, instead, they wear the same types of clothes us normal people would wear, except smaller. I know, I was surprised to learn that too!)
Anyway, Jerry C. and I get dressed up for a night on the town with a couple of ladies. However, at dinner, I spill wine on my shirt (I get a little clumsy when I've been drinking wine. Good thing it wasn't a white zinfandel, cause things would've gotten CA-RAZY LOL!!!) That's when Jerry C. comes to the rescue. He blows on his magic flute, and out of nowhere a dress shirt with french cuffs (exactly like the one he was wearing) appears. (NOTE: Not all dwarfs have magic flutes. Jerry C. got his at a thrift store in Hoboken.) Anyway, I change into the shirt, but since my friend Jerry C. is a dwarf, the sleeves are way too short. I'm feeling a bit self-conscious because of it, but after some more wine, I'm relaxed and having a blast!
Long story short (pun intended), the short sleeve dress shirt with french cuffs was a hit, and thus the legend was born.
I've got a friend named Jerry C. who has an immaculate wardrobe. Thing is, Jerry C. is a dwarf. (NOTE: When dwarfs want to dress nice, they do not wear jester outfits or elven costumes, but, instead, they wear the same types of clothes us normal people would wear, except smaller. I know, I was surprised to learn that too!)
Anyway, Jerry C. and I get dressed up for a night on the town with a couple of ladies. However, at dinner, I spill wine on my shirt (I get a little clumsy when I've been drinking wine. Good thing it wasn't a white zinfandel, cause things would've gotten CA-RAZY LOL!!!) That's when Jerry C. comes to the rescue. He blows on his magic flute, and out of nowhere a dress shirt with french cuffs (exactly like the one he was wearing) appears. (NOTE: Not all dwarfs have magic flutes. Jerry C. got his at a thrift store in Hoboken.) Anyway, I change into the shirt, but since my friend Jerry C. is a dwarf, the sleeves are way too short. I'm feeling a bit self-conscious because of it, but after some more wine, I'm relaxed and having a blast!
Long story short (pun intended), the short sleeve dress shirt with french cuffs was a hit, and thus the legend was born.
The Cape
To the large woman wearing a cape that I saw today:
I'm no "fashion expert", but, to me, a cape doesn't seem to be the understated accent to your wardrobe that you might have thought it was. Maybe next time try wearing a fancy bracelet or an extremely large belt instead of something that makes you look like a cross between that mom from What's Eating Gilbert's Grape? and Dracula.
I'm no "fashion expert", but, to me, a cape doesn't seem to be the understated accent to your wardrobe that you might have thought it was. Maybe next time try wearing a fancy bracelet or an extremely large belt instead of something that makes you look like a cross between that mom from What's Eating Gilbert's Grape? and Dracula.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Morning Commute
To the Korean-ish family who I see driving behind me nearly every day on my way to work:
Two things stand out to me every morning when I see you guys in my rear-view mirror. One: The impressive Billy Ray Cyrus-esque mullet that the lady of the car sports. Classy. Two: the CD wallet attached to your sun visor. I wonder what CDs this "interesting" looking Korean family would have in their car? Perhaps some Yanni (Live at the Acropolis, no doubt)? Or maybe a little Yo-Yo Ma? I know, know... There's got to be some Michael McDonald in that collection. And, judging by the aforementioned lady-mullet, I'm willing to bet that there's a heap of Garth Brooks in the mix.
In conclusion, I am very grateful to have such an intriguing group with which I share my morning commute. Sure, it'd be nice to look in my rear-view mirror and see a beautiful woman in the car behind me, but seeing you guys helps me get to work on time. Otherwise, I wouldn't be speeding like a madman trying to get away from your unfortunate faces.
Two things stand out to me every morning when I see you guys in my rear-view mirror. One: The impressive Billy Ray Cyrus-esque mullet that the lady of the car sports. Classy. Two: the CD wallet attached to your sun visor. I wonder what CDs this "interesting" looking Korean family would have in their car? Perhaps some Yanni (Live at the Acropolis, no doubt)? Or maybe a little Yo-Yo Ma? I know, know... There's got to be some Michael McDonald in that collection. And, judging by the aforementioned lady-mullet, I'm willing to bet that there's a heap of Garth Brooks in the mix.
In conclusion, I am very grateful to have such an intriguing group with which I share my morning commute. Sure, it'd be nice to look in my rear-view mirror and see a beautiful woman in the car behind me, but seeing you guys helps me get to work on time. Otherwise, I wouldn't be speeding like a madman trying to get away from your unfortunate faces.
Confrontation
You and I, sir, do not see eye to eye.
Although, that may have something to do with the fact that we're different heights...
Although, that may have something to do with the fact that we're different heights...
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
How to deal with being the fattest kid in the class
Okay, you've pretty much only got two cards you can play here. One, you're the class clown. Establish yourself as a hilarious, fun-loving (and twinkie-loving) classmate. Use your fat to your advantage. Physical comedy is huge here (literally). Think John Belushi, Chris Farley, or Carlos Mencia (no, wait, he's just fat, not funny). Hone your hilarity, and you'll fit right in (but you probably won't fit in your jeans).
If comedy's not your game, then there's really only one other option. Smell like poop. This is a long term strategy, but it'll work. Be that kid that can be smelt from across the room. Don't shower, don't wear clean clothes, and make sure that at least 15% of all fecal emissions do not make it outside your underwear (I can't stress 15% enough; anything less and you're just cheating yourself). The idea here is that your peers will be so disgusted by your formidable scent that they will completely forget how glorious your man-boobs are.
Now here's where the payoff comes:
By the time your 10-year high school reunion rolls around, make sure that you've taken care of that little hygiene problem. Don't worry about losing weight, because by that time, the odds are that 75% of your graduating class will be morbidly obese (95% if you live in Mississippi). Your classmates will marvel at how well you've cleaned up, and they'll also remember how much of a trend-setter you were with that triple-chin.
If all else fails, just remember, at least you're not the kid that wet himself in the 3rd grade. He'll never be able to live that down.
If comedy's not your game, then there's really only one other option. Smell like poop. This is a long term strategy, but it'll work. Be that kid that can be smelt from across the room. Don't shower, don't wear clean clothes, and make sure that at least 15% of all fecal emissions do not make it outside your underwear (I can't stress 15% enough; anything less and you're just cheating yourself). The idea here is that your peers will be so disgusted by your formidable scent that they will completely forget how glorious your man-boobs are.
Now here's where the payoff comes:
By the time your 10-year high school reunion rolls around, make sure that you've taken care of that little hygiene problem. Don't worry about losing weight, because by that time, the odds are that 75% of your graduating class will be morbidly obese (95% if you live in Mississippi). Your classmates will marvel at how well you've cleaned up, and they'll also remember how much of a trend-setter you were with that triple-chin.
If all else fails, just remember, at least you're not the kid that wet himself in the 3rd grade. He'll never be able to live that down.
Doors
Holding a door open for someone can be a tricky game. When done properly, it is a polite gesture. Hold a door open for an individual who is too far away from said door, however, and that individual may feel obligated to rush their way towards the door, thus creating an awkward situation where your "polite gesture" is actually a burden.
And that is why I feel all doors should be revolving doors.
And that is why I feel all doors should be revolving doors.
Indecent Exposure
Q: Is standing outside of a McDonald's restaurant wearing only a sandwich board that describes the business practices of the McDonald's Corporation considered indecent exposure?
A: Yes, if by "indecent exposure" you mean that I'm exposing the indecency of the McDonald's Corporation's business practices. (NOTE: The State of Illinois defines "indecent exposure" in a different way, a definition that I will be fighting during my September 8th court date.)
A: Yes, if by "indecent exposure" you mean that I'm exposing the indecency of the McDonald's Corporation's business practices. (NOTE: The State of Illinois defines "indecent exposure" in a different way, a definition that I will be fighting during my September 8th court date.)
Green Foods
Green foods are often high in nutrients and are quite beneficial. Green eggs and ham, however, sounds nasty.
Drawn-on Mustaches
I propose that drawn-on mustaches on men be socially acceptable. If women can have drawn-on eyebrows, then why can't the facial hair challenged among us be allowed a sketched 'stache? Think of the benefits of drawn-on mustaches: Each day, one could draw a different type of mustache to fit one's mood or a special occasion. Maybe you're going for a ride on your hog? How about a handle bar mustache? Or what if you're in for a night of homoerotic clubbing with the guys? How about a handle bar mustache?
Look, the possibilities are endless. All I'm saying is, if Hispanic women and old ladies at Old Country Buffett can have drawn-on eyebrows, then isn't it time for men to have drawn-on mustaches?
Look, the possibilities are endless. All I'm saying is, if Hispanic women and old ladies at Old Country Buffett can have drawn-on eyebrows, then isn't it time for men to have drawn-on mustaches?
Toilet Paper
To the janitor at my office who always puts the toilet paper in upside-down in the men's bathroom:
When did you lose the passion for your job?
When did you lose the passion for your job?
The Field Study of Women
If a woman says, " Look, but don't touch," then she's probably a stripper. If a woman says, "Touch, but don't look," then she's probably ugly... but easy!
Mental Ammunition
To the lady who bagged my groceries:
Thank You. Our brief encounter today where you asked me "Paper or plastic," was enough mental ammunition for me to fantasize about you for the next two years (I live a lonely life...).
Thank You. Our brief encounter today where you asked me "Paper or plastic," was enough mental ammunition for me to fantasize about you for the next two years (I live a lonely life...).
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