Lice Checking

What is the single most relaxing and sensual experience that a person could possibly have? It's not being fed chocolate dipped strawberries or having your feet massaged (and it's also not the much less fun variant of that: being fed chocolate dipped feet and having to massage a pack of strawberries [it was a high school summer job; don't ask]). No, it's something far better: getting your head checked for lice.

Allow me to whisk you away to my childhood, grades K-5. For me, no greater joy existed than the magical experience of having my head checked for lice. It was a rare occurrence, but one that I took full advantage of. I enjoyed it so much that sometimes after getting my head checked, I'd sneak into other classrooms and get my head checked for lice again! It was like that movie Wedding Crashers, except with more popsicle sticks. I even purposely flunked 5th grade repeatedly in order to continue to feed my lice checking addiction.

Why did I enjoy it so much? Allow me to describe the experience to you. Imagine your head laying in your arms on your desk, the cool air in the classroom surrounds you. Your body and mind descend into a state of complete relaxation. A slight fart releases. It's okay, no one heard it. Then, you hear the lice checkers (usually mothers who've volunteered) making their way through the classroom. They're getting closer. A slight shiver goes down your spine. Am I next?, you think to yourself. Finally, you feel the gentle touch of popsicle sticks on your scalp. Slowly and carefully, the sticks caress your scalp. Billions of synapses are firing off in your brain, and they all arrive at the same conclusion: this is divine.

There was one lice checker who rose above the rest, almost as if this was her true calling. Ms. Snyder, you know who I'm talking about. She was a lice checking artist, much in the same way someone who works at Subway is a sandwich artist (although I'd imagine if put to the task, Ms. Snyder wouldn't have put cheese on my sandwich when I specifically asked for NO CHEESE). I often wondered is there was a Mr. Snyder in the picture, but I never did work up the courage to ask. I sometimes think of what life would've been like being married to her. Me: head down on a desk. Her: checking my head for lice. Then lots of sex. Then, more lice checking. Alas, it was not meant to be.

In conclusion, lice checking is by far the most sensual experience that one could possibly have. I strongly urge all of you to sneak into your local elementary school on a lice-checking day and experience the wonderment. You won't be disappointed.