The Real "Cheers"

Sometimes, you want to go to a bar where everybody knows your name...

but you can't remember having ever been there before.

Lice Checking

What is the single most relaxing and sensual experience that a person could possibly have? It's not being fed chocolate dipped strawberries or having your feet massaged (and it's also not the much less fun variant of that: being fed chocolate dipped feet and having to massage a pack of strawberries [it was a high school summer job; don't ask]). No, it's something far better: getting your head checked for lice.

Allow me to whisk you away to my childhood, grades K-5. For me, no greater joy existed than the magical experience of having my head checked for lice. It was a rare occurrence, but one that I took full advantage of. I enjoyed it so much that sometimes after getting my head checked, I'd sneak into other classrooms and get my head checked for lice again! It was like that movie Wedding Crashers, except with more popsicle sticks. I even purposely flunked 5th grade repeatedly in order to continue to feed my lice checking addiction.

Why did I enjoy it so much? Allow me to describe the experience to you. Imagine your head laying in your arms on your desk, the cool air in the classroom surrounds you. Your body and mind descend into a state of complete relaxation. A slight fart releases. It's okay, no one heard it. Then, you hear the lice checkers (usually mothers who've volunteered) making their way through the classroom. They're getting closer. A slight shiver goes down your spine. Am I next?, you think to yourself. Finally, you feel the gentle touch of popsicle sticks on your scalp. Slowly and carefully, the sticks caress your scalp. Billions of synapses are firing off in your brain, and they all arrive at the same conclusion: this is divine.

There was one lice checker who rose above the rest, almost as if this was her true calling. Ms. Snyder, you know who I'm talking about. She was a lice checking artist, much in the same way someone who works at Subway is a sandwich artist (although I'd imagine if put to the task, Ms. Snyder wouldn't have put cheese on my sandwich when I specifically asked for NO CHEESE). I often wondered is there was a Mr. Snyder in the picture, but I never did work up the courage to ask. I sometimes think of what life would've been like being married to her. Me: head down on a desk. Her: checking my head for lice. Then lots of sex. Then, more lice checking. Alas, it was not meant to be.

In conclusion, lice checking is by far the most sensual experience that one could possibly have. I strongly urge all of you to sneak into your local elementary school on a lice-checking day and experience the wonderment. You won't be disappointed.

Disappointing...

I'd imagine that this is probably the worst sound effect your significant other could make while you two are getting intimate.

To My New Pair of Jeans:

You smug, stonewashed, sorry excuse for a pair of jeans. You hung there on the clearance rack at my local Targét just begging to be bought. Such a cheap price, and in my size? I had to purchase you, but, alas, I did not have time to try you on. Now I wish that I had bought out the time to do so because you are not the pair of jeans that I thought I was getting involved with. Now I see that your cheap price was fitting because you are a cheap whore.

What is my issue with you? Two words: button fly. Now, I'm no historian, but I'd wager that the button fly is probably the most diabolical invention known to man (I rank the atom bomb as a close second since I've never personally been affected by an atom bomb, but I have been affected by the button fly). The button fly adds approximately 30 seconds to each bathroom trip. How did I get that statistic? Simple, I made it up, but it sounds pretty accurate. Multiply that by 30 (the number of times that I use the bathroom per day [I drink a lot of water]), and you arrive at the astounding total of 90 minutes (I think, but I'm not a calculator). 90 minutes stolen from my day by the button fly! That's enough time to watch 3 Men and a Baby (the greatest movie of all time because it's got a little bit of everything)! Nice job, button fly. You just stole from me the joy of Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck, and Ted Danson (RIP).

In many ways, dear disappointing denim, you are just like my first wife. You looked like a great bargain, but once I got you home, I saw another side of you. Coincidentally, your surprise (the button fly) is located in the same "area" that my first wife's "surprise" (read: wiener) was. Just like my first wife, though, I was ready to overlook your shortcomings, but then you crossed the line when you prevented me from watching 3 Men and a Baby.

Taco Bell No Longer a Sponsor

Apparently Taco Bell didn't like my creative use of product placement in the Bernie Mac news story, and so they have withdrawn as a sponsor of Philosophies for the Modern Gentleman. Therefore, I present this amended news story of Bernie Mac's unfortunate demise...

Comedian Bernie Mac Dies

American actor and comedian Bernie Mac died Saturday in Chicago of complications from explosive diarrhea. He was 50 years old. Mac had sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease, but his publicist said the explosive diarrhea was not related to that disease. Doctors believe the explosive diarrhea was in fact cause by Taco Bell's new Fajita Steak Melt.

Bernie Mac played the ex-con blackjack dealer in the Ocean's Eleven film trilogy, which also starred George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Clooney said of Mac's passing, "The world just got a little less funny. I'm also surprised to hear that it was Taco Bell that ended up killing him. I would've thought Bernie as more of a KFC or Popeye's Chicken kind of guy." Mac received the prestigious Peabody Award for his television sitcom The Bernie Mac Show, which also garnered Globe Globe and Emmy nominations.

He first came to nationwide prominence in 2000 with his appearance in the film The Original Kings of Comedy, a documentary that brought a new generation of African-American comedians to a wider audience. Mac's film appearances included the disappointing 2003 film Charlie's Angels, last year's Transformers (which also sucked), and the comedic remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner entitled Guess Who (didn't see it).

Last year, Mac told late-night talk show host David Letterman that he planned to retire soon because he wanted to enjoy his life. Good job, Taco Bell. You just robbed Bernie Mac of plans to retire, and you robbed the world of a beloved comedic actor. He will be missed.

Product Placement

I'm pleased to announce that Taco Bell is now a proud sponsor of Philosophies for the Modern Gentleman. Taco Bell- it's what all modern gentleman should eat! Now, the news...

Comedian Bernie Mac Dies

American actor and comedian Bernie Mac died Saturday in Chicago of complications from pneumonia. He was 50 years old. Mac had sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease, but his publicist said the pneumonia was not related to that disease.

Bernie Mac played the ex-con blackjack dealer in the Ocean's Eleven film trilogy, which also starred George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Clooney said of Mac's passing, "The world just got a little less funny. At least I've got Taco Bell's new Fajita Steak Melt to console me." Mac received the prestigious Peabody Award for his television sitcom The Bernie Mac Show, which also garnered Globe Globe and Emmy nominations.

He first came to nationwide prominence in 2000 with his appearance in the film The Original Kings of Comedy, a documentary that brought a new generation of African-American comedians to a wider audience. Mac's film appearances included the disappointing 2003 film Charlie's Angels, last year's Transformers (which also sucked), and the comedic remake of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner entitled Guess Who (didn't see it).

Last year, Mac told late-night talk show host David Letterman that he planned to retire soon because he wanted to enjoy his life, as well as enjoy one of Taco Bell's new Frutista Freeze drinks. He will be missed.

The Next Big Thing In Fashion

This fall, I will launch my new line of short-sleeve dress shirts with french cuffs. How did I come up with this idea that will no doubt be the most important development in fashion since the piano key necktie? I'll tell you...

I've got a friend named Jerry C. who has an immaculate wardrobe. Thing is, Jerry C. is a dwarf. (NOTE: When dwarfs want to dress nice, they do not wear jester outfits or elven costumes, but, instead, they wear the same types of clothes us normal people would wear, except smaller. I know, I was surprised to learn that too!)

Anyway, Jerry C. and I get dressed up for a night on the town with a couple of ladies. However, at dinner, I spill wine on my shirt (I get a little clumsy when I've been drinking wine. Good thing it wasn't a white zinfandel, cause things would've gotten CA-RAZY LOL!!!) That's when Jerry C. comes to the rescue. He blows on his magic flute, and out of nowhere a dress shirt with french cuffs (exactly like the one he was wearing) appears. (NOTE: Not all dwarfs have magic flutes. Jerry C. got his at a thrift store in Hoboken.) Anyway, I change into the shirt, but since my friend Jerry C. is a dwarf, the sleeves are way too short. I'm feeling a bit self-conscious because of it, but after some more wine, I'm relaxed and having a blast!

Long story short (pun intended), the short sleeve dress shirt with french cuffs was a hit, and thus the legend was born.

The Cape

To the large woman wearing a cape that I saw today:

I'm no "fashion expert", but, to me, a cape doesn't seem to be the understated accent to your wardrobe that you might have thought it was. Maybe next time try wearing a fancy bracelet or an extremely large belt instead of something that makes you look like a cross between that mom from What's Eating Gilbert's Grape? and Dracula.

Morning Commute

To the Korean-ish family who I see driving behind me nearly every day on my way to work:

Two things stand out to me every morning when I see you guys in my rear-view mirror. One: The impressive Billy Ray Cyrus-esque mullet that the lady of the car sports. Classy. Two: the CD wallet attached to your sun visor. I wonder what CDs this "interesting" looking Korean family would have in their car? Perhaps some Yanni (Live at the Acropolis, no doubt)? Or maybe a little Yo-Yo Ma? I know, know... There's got to be some Michael McDonald in that collection. And, judging by the aforementioned lady-mullet, I'm willing to bet that there's a heap of Garth Brooks in the mix.

In conclusion, I am very grateful to have such an intriguing group with which I share my morning commute. Sure, it'd be nice to look in my rear-view mirror and see a beautiful woman in the car behind me, but seeing you guys helps me get to work on time. Otherwise, I wouldn't be speeding like a madman trying to get away from your unfortunate faces.

Confrontation

You and I, sir, do not see eye to eye.

Although, that may have something to do with the fact that we're different heights...

How to deal with being the fattest kid in the class

Okay, you've pretty much only got two cards you can play here. One, you're the class clown. Establish yourself as a hilarious, fun-loving (and twinkie-loving) classmate. Use your fat to your advantage. Physical comedy is huge here (literally). Think John Belushi, Chris Farley, or Carlos Mencia (no, wait, he's just fat, not funny). Hone your hilarity, and you'll fit right in (but you probably won't fit in your jeans).

If comedy's not your game, then there's really only one other option. Smell like poop. This is a long term strategy, but it'll work. Be that kid that can be smelt from across the room. Don't shower, don't wear clean clothes, and make sure that at least 15% of all fecal emissions do not make it outside your underwear (I can't stress 15% enough; anything less and you're just cheating yourself). The idea here is that your peers will be so disgusted by your formidable scent that they will completely forget how glorious your man-boobs are.

Now here's where the payoff comes:

By the time your 10-year high school reunion rolls around, make sure that you've taken care of that little hygiene problem. Don't worry about losing weight, because by that time, the odds are that 75% of your graduating class will be morbidly obese (95% if you live in Mississippi). Your classmates will marvel at how well you've cleaned up, and they'll also remember how much of a trend-setter you were with that triple-chin.

If all else fails, just remember, at least you're not the kid that wet himself in the 3rd grade. He'll never be able to live that down.

Doors

Holding a door open for someone can be a tricky game. When done properly, it is a polite gesture. Hold a door open for an individual who is too far away from said door, however, and that individual may feel obligated to rush their way towards the door, thus creating an awkward situation where your "polite gesture" is actually a burden.

And that is why I feel all doors should be revolving doors.

Indecent Exposure

Q: Is standing outside of a McDonald's restaurant wearing only a sandwich board that describes the business practices of the McDonald's Corporation considered indecent exposure?

A: Yes, if by "indecent exposure" you mean that I'm exposing the indecency of the McDonald's Corporation's business practices. (NOTE: The State of Illinois defines "indecent exposure" in a different way, a definition that I will be fighting during my September 8th court date.)

Green Foods

Green foods are often high in nutrients and are quite beneficial. Green eggs and ham, however, sounds nasty.

Drawn-on Mustaches

I propose that drawn-on mustaches on men be socially acceptable. If women can have drawn-on eyebrows, then why can't the facial hair challenged among us be allowed a sketched 'stache? Think of the benefits of drawn-on mustaches: Each day, one could draw a different type of mustache to fit one's mood or a special occasion. Maybe you're going for a ride on your hog? How about a handle bar mustache? Or what if you're in for a night of homoerotic clubbing with the guys? How about a handle bar mustache?

Look, the possibilities are endless. All I'm saying is, if Hispanic women and old ladies at Old Country Buffett can have drawn-on eyebrows, then isn't it time for men to have drawn-on mustaches?

Toilet Paper

To the janitor at my office who always puts the toilet paper in upside-down in the men's bathroom:
When did you lose the passion for your job?

The Field Study of Women

If a woman says, " Look, but don't touch," then she's probably a stripper. If a woman says, "Touch, but don't look," then she's probably ugly... but easy!

Mental Ammunition

To the lady who bagged my groceries:
Thank You. Our brief encounter today where you asked me "Paper or plastic," was enough mental ammunition for me to fantasize about you for the next two years (I live a lonely life...).

Language Lessons

Español. That's Spanish for... Spanish.