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You sir, are quite impressive. Definitely an alpha male. From the moment I first met you, I knew you were a person with authority. Maybe it was your stern, determined look that tipped me off. Maybe it was your all-business demeanor. Or, perhaps it was the name tag that you wore that identified you as the Assistant Manager of the local sub shop.
I can tell that you are an individual with great skill, as well. Your mastery of mixing tuna with mayonnaise is unparalleled; your aptitude for combining ham and swiss unmatched. Remember that old saying, everything I need to know I learned in kindergarden? Well it's never been more true than in your case because you make sandwiches for a living. All day. Sandwiches.
It's not just all work and no play with you, though. You are a man that knows how to party. Question: Does asking women if they want to touch your freshly-baked bread loaf work as a pick-up line? Answer: Yes, yes it does. Then, once you reel them in with your fancy talk, you impress them with boasts of how you could totally beat that dude up or tales of drunken, homo-erotic adventures involving you and your band-mates. Wait, what? Band-mates, they ask? That's right, you're also in a band. You shred on lead guitar, stealing the hearts of all twelve people that you've played in front of. To say that you just play music would be selling you short, though. You feel the music. It's an experience so visceral and ethereal that it cannot be expressed by mere words. Perhaps that is the reason why your band still does not have a name. No matter; you've got plenty of time until you release your band's first EP in the summer of 2011.
Yes, you are quite impressive, sir. You've got the intensity of De Niro with a skill set that would amaze Jared from Subway. Next time I have a hankering for a turkey and cheddar on wheat, I know just the guy for the job. Some people would say, hey, anybody can make a sandwich. To them, I simply reply, "Not people without hands."
Monday, October 20, 2008
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